This post was written by me several painful months after Adil’s murder in Nov 2010. Adil was buried on his 17th birthday Dec 3rd as the snow and tears fell onto the frozen ground. My Book ‘MADAM’ is dedicated to his memory.
I spend all day chatting away to you in my head, but I thought I’d write it down and share my misery with your mates.
I know you’re watching us all every day. I believe when you’re hanging out in the spirit world you can do lots of things as once, as time and location just don’t work the same up there. I’m sure you know about all the hard work, laughs and sadness that happening as we all do our thing to help keep your story alive.
I spend all day looking at your pictures. Helping Zain, Nisha and the others with their group, Immortal Voices. I’m putting together your photos for CD covers and posters, and I’ve turned into a random weeper.
Tonight has been a bad night. I was planning to go to the pictures, but the guys at MKVibe Records needed some help with arranging all your images, text and video clips for the new Ebook.
I know everyone feels bad, and on the chart of devastation and heartbreak I’m way down the ratings, but tonight is a bad night.
I started by reading the words of love and sadness your friends have sent to me. I’m reading through, taking sentences full of their memories, and wrapping them round you. Sat at my borrowed desk tucked away in a corner, I feel the tears welling, and I fight them back. The office is busy still, and I’m wearing eye makeup, so I don’t want to cry and look silly.
Andy MKVibe’s boss calls me. I grind my teeth, tears escaping out, and try to reply normally.
Walking into his office, I’m handed a slice of pizza. They’re working into the night to get you finished and looking good. I see you full screen, laughing. He zooms in, enlarging your pixels.
Staring intently at the screen, this man who has never met you, reaches out, and touches your face gently. ‘In the world’ he says ‘there’s light and dark; this boy belonged in the light. I wish I’d known him, I feel I do know him. I’m gonna do 100% for this young man’.
Coldplay is coming from the speakers on his desk. I know he’s feeling it….
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
As they sing ‘I will try to fix you’ I know that’s what he’s feeling, what we all are feeling. We’re trying to fix you. But we can’t. Not with all the songs and the marches, the benches and wristbands. We can’t fix you. We can’t make it better.
I put my pizza down and I start to cry. I cry so often these days, that I’m an expert. I can do it anywhere, the tears just seem to fall out when they feel like it.
In the photo on the screen you’re in the garden at the wedding, there are 5 of you lads, all smiling. Andy, this man who’s never met you, carefully places his hand flat onto the screen, covering you completely.
‘How can it be?’ He asks me, staring at you, ‘That he can just be gone?’
The 4 remaining boys look out of the picture at me, asking the same question. How can it be, that you can just be gone?
I have to come home. I need to be on my own. I can’t be there tonight. I can’t deal with it tonight.
We’ll do you the best artwork Dilly, sing you the best songs, and hold you the best parties.
I’m so sorry that we can’t fix you; we’re trying to fix ourselves and each other, it’s a slow job.
Tomorrows another day, and as is the way with grief, it may feel ok tomorrow.
We’ll finish your EBook, and then young man, I need your heavenly help to sort out Oceana with me.
I’ll talk to you about that later…… Love you dude, but it’s been a really bad night.